One of the most difficult conversations a divorcing parent may ever face is telling their children about the divorce. While there is no perfect script, there are thoughtful ways to approach this conversation that can help minimize confusion, fear and emotional distress. Here are some things to think about as you prepare for that conversation.
Timing is everything
Choosing the right moment to talk to your children is crucial. Avoid breaking the news during a stressful time – such as right before school, bedtime or a major event. Instead, choose a quiet, calm time when you can give them your full attention and answer questions.
Keep it age-appropriate
Children process information differently depending on their age and developmental stage. Younger children may need simple, concrete explanations, while older children and teens may ask more complex questions. Regardless of age, children need reassurance that the divorce is not their fault and that they are loved unconditionally.
For example:
- Young children may benefit from phrases like, “Mom and Dad have decided to live in different houses, but we both love you very much.”
- Older children and teens may want more details. Be honest, but avoid oversharing or blaming. Focus on how the changes will affect them and what will stay the same.
You know your children best; consider what messaging will work for them.
Present a unified message
Even if the divorce is contentious, it’s important to present a consistent message to the children, who often feel torn between parents during a divorce. A unified message helps reduce the pressure to take sides and fosters a sense of stability.
If possible and appropriate, both parents could be present for the conversation to show a united front. A joint approach can reinforce that, while the family dynamic is changing, both parents remain committed to their children.
Avoid blaming or criticizing the other parent in front of the children. Instead, use “we” statements to show cooperation: “We’ve decided this is the best choice for our family,” or “We both want what’s best for you.”
Prioritize stability
Children thrive on routine and predictability. As you work through custody arrangements and living situations, try to maintain consistency in their daily lives. Keep them informed about what to expect – where they’ll live, how often they’ll see each parent, and how holidays and special occasions will be handled. The more secure and informed they feel, the easier it will be for them to adjust.
Reassure and repeat
Children may not fully understand or accept the news right away. They may ask the same questions multiple times or express their feelings in different ways – through anger, sadness, withdrawal or acting out.
Let them know:
- It’s okay to feel upset or confused.
- They can talk to you anytime.
- Their routines and relationships (school, friends, activities) will continue as normally as possible.
Be patient and continue to remind them that they are loved and supported.
Encourage open communication
Create a safe space for your children to express their feelings. Let them know that their emotions are valid and that it’s okay to talk about them. You might say, “It’s okay to feel sad or angry. We’re here to listen and help you through this.”
Seek outside support
Divorce often brings up complicated feelings of confusion, sadness, anger and guilt that children may not know how to express or process. This makes it an especially important time to consider therapy.
A trained therapist can provide a safe, neutral space for children to explore their emotions and ask questions they may not feel comfortable asking their parents. This support can also help them build healthy coping strategies. Therapy is a profound gift that can equip them with lifelong tools for emotional resilience, self-awareness and healthy communication.
Final thoughts
Divorce is a major life transition, but with thoughtful communication and emotional support, children can emerge resilient and well-adjusted. How you handle communicating about the divorce can shape their understanding of relationships, conflict and emotional safety for years to come. By prioritizing honesty, empathy and consistency, you can help lay the foundation for their healing and growth.
Remember, it’s okay to ask for help – whether from professionals, trusted friends or support networks. What matters most is that your children feel seen, heard and deeply loved throughout the process.